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Non Refundable Indian

Non Refundable Indian

May 02, 2011

Rolling with the punches in the land of The NRI.....

Recently I was called upon to contribute for The NRI Magazine. This is a big step for me. It means I can almost reach the cookie jar on life's top shelf.

Nothing surprises me more than when someone notices me.

I tend to behave like a teenage girl at a rock concert
; screaming , shouting and tearing up their panties to be noticed by the greasy haired middle age man with a guitar, body pumped full of chemicals, who may bestow his dopey eyed glance towards them, whereupon they promptly faint.

I normally do not know what I want, so when I get what I think I want I am kind of shell shocked and then proceed to behave like an arsehole.

Now the guy who is coordinating with me seems like a patient guy. He has been officially included in my list of people I send long psuedo philosophical ( is there any other kind?) sms’ to when I am drunk. I have lost the only 2 friends I had due to this habit. I guess its no fun being woken up at 3 in the morning with an sms that reads : what in your opinion is a real friend? The reply I got was : Certainly not you.

So far the guy is holding up. He is even bothering to reply. Must be the time difference between the UK and Sand City.

By the way, he is a surd. I like surds. They are the only other bunch of Indians I have encountered who are confident enough to laugh the loudest at themselves.

And I think he is punishing me for those sms' by only publishing posts where I have made fun of mallus. It wont be long before I am considered as an expert on mallus and that will be the end of any sex appeal that I might have once had. Sometimes I think he is giving me enough rope for me to hang myself with.

Coming onto the site was like coming to the Gulf


Out of the 10 posts on the front page, 3 were about Kerala. Thats 30% mallu representation. Makes your coconuts go plump with pride. Theres even one representation of mallus by a siyap . As you know, there is no better validation than a siyap saying he loves it. It suddenly makes you global. He’s from my part of town and next time I go down there, the paper roast is on me.

It was all great for about one day.

Then I started receiving my first share of hate mails.

I had forgotten the old jungle saying - 'Only a fool crosses an angry mallu' or the other one : 'Better to stare into the tiger's eyes than into the cold eyes of an angry Mallu.'

This must surely mean that I had arrived.

I never knew an article could provoke that much emotion. Man, compared to this, the blogsphere is so tame
. There we write something and the comments are restricted to 'Nice. Now visit my blog' or 'Great writing, I was ROTHFL ( or some such acronyms which I think means that the commenter is Reaching Out The Hand For Love)' or a comment from a very persistent  guy named Anonymous who insists that my penis is too small and he has a cure for it.

But when you are columnist, you are going to be read. Read by people with their own opinions and time on their hands.

Dangerous combination.

What are these guys doing reading an article on mallus in the bloody afternoon on a weekday?
Shouldn’t they be working? And why on earth are they reading it so carefully to blow holes in it? And whats with those comments that are as long as my article and drenched in venom? Man its just a post, its supposed to be funny.

Three posts later, my paternity, fraternity, ethnicity and sanity have been questioned by my readers. I should be offended but its rather amusing. I have never before been taken so seriously.

There I was, wasting 5 years on a blog ranting and raving and everyone found me cute but within a day on this site, I have succeeded in creating a Taliban. Nice.

These readers are not like you, my gentle readers; these guys know who they are, what they want and how they want others to be like. You cant argue with that now, can you? This is why I say cousins should not get married. Its asking for trouble.

So will this change me? Has the day arrived when I will rein in my overflowing pot of filth and sugar it down to meet a popular acceptance?

Hell no!

I am here to stay. They will need to start getting used to me and my ways, just like I will learn to stop abusing them whenever they piss me off with comments that bother me. Maybe we will find common ground and coexist like a wife and her mother in law or the site that has invited me might lose an amount of their readers. Or better still, the considerate surd will regret his decision and give me the boot.

Or maybe this whole thing is orchestrated to bring more people onto the site like Big Boss.? Damn the surd is goooood....

Anyhow I intend to be true to my disgusting nature and continue forth spreading the stink.

On the upside, I also got my first groupie. Someone from somewhere said that I am so funny that they will do me.

Come to think of it that sounds like a threat. Oh, f***!! 


  • tys
    10.05.11 02:06 PM
    @jai : not whn its mallus that r after u...then its not publicity it is politics...u cant seperate the two

    @cooper : or how abt Nonsensical Indian? Or Negligable Indian? The second will be kinda apt.
  • CooperPatel
    03.05.11 11:31 PM
    That should be 'Non-Refutable Indian'
  • Jaai
    03.05.11 02:28 PM
    Any publicity is good publicity :)

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