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Sex! Divinity! College Romance!

Sex! Divinity! College Romance!

November 08, 2012

What more can the Indian Book Reader possibly want?

I walked into the Indian Writers section at the Landmark Book Store the other day. The Fiction area was well stocked with new material, with fancy covers with fancier titles. I flipped through a few. The jacket write ups sounded intriguing. However, and interestingly, all the books I checked out could be neatly arranged into two distinct genres – they were either of one kind or the other one. 

Now, since my own book (which is going to be awesome when it is ready in 2026, or so I keep telling myself) is going nowhere very slowly, I think I will need a new profession in the interim. I could become a Book Jacket Copywriter! How come, you ask? Well, for one, I can make any rubbish sound exciting, and two, there are only two genres that Indians love to read anyway. So, how difficult could it be to break into this career?

As a first step towards putting together a portfolio, I have prepared two jacket templates, based on self-imagined pieces of undoubtedly brilliant fiction – one for each of the two genres I just alluded to. A little bit of edits and these templates can be universally applied to any book that is sent my way by the marketing departments at Harpers or Penguin. Hey, Folks at Harpers and Penguin, I am open for business!

Here’s the jacket template for the first genre. The Mythological Thriller.

The Unholy Legend of the Kamasura’s Bindu : Part I of the Aryabhata Trilogy
By Sunando Bhattacharjee

Hundreds of thousands of years ago, the Kama Asuras and the Puru Asuras, the two warring kingdoms of the planet of Chirubhan were at war unto death. The Purus were defeated eventually after the 1000 year war. Amidst the pillage that followed, a band of the Purus managed to pack whatever was left of their universe in a small glass cage and sneaked their way out to a galaxy millions of light years away. They found a new home. They called it Prithvi, or Earth, and they hid there for centuries.

Cut to the present. According to the great Aryabhata’s astro-mathematical calculations, the Kama Asuras are bound to uncover the trails of their old battle adversary again in 2012. The grand prize they seek is the Puru Universe, saved inside a tiny round glass cage the size of a child’s marble. It is safe in the house of Puru Rajkumar, the anointed king, hiding in plain sight as the one-time failed actor son of a Bollywood legend. Safe, did we say? Not quite, because Puru Rajkumar’s 4 year old son just swallowed it thinking it was a marble.

As the doctors work hard to extricate the swallowed glass ball, the Kamas and the Purus are set to meet again in another royal battle for universal domination. But first, they must frisk through the badgered child’s potty and liberate the marble. And by that, we mean, the Universe. It’s a shitty task but whoever said Winning was easy? So, who will win this battle for supremacy this time?

This 279 page legend of a book will keep you up nights. Grab Part I of this historical trilogy at your nearest bookstore today! Remember, the Kamasuras are coming!

(Standard Requirements of this genre : Of course, all of the above is rubbish, doesn’t make any sense, and all that ‘history’ and ‘mythology’ has been pulled straight out of the imaginary writer’s fat ass, but, hey, at least it’s a trilogy! All Mythological Thrillers come in threes. And with a jacket as impressive as the one that I have written, readers are bound to throng bookstores to buy their copy – quite like Mika clamouring all over for a free kiss from Rakhi Sawant. By the way, since the title had to have at least two mythological names in it, one cooked-up and one sorta identifiable, I chose Kamasura and Aryabhata. Bindu, is just that boobylicious moll from 1960-70’s Bollywood, but the word fits well here, right?)


On to Genre no. 2. The Chick Lit.

Da Lovisstory Of Da Miss’d Calls : (SMS : Sid Marries Shraddha) : By Loveleena Poojary Anand


Their eyes met in class and there was unbridled passion from the word go. Unfortunately, they were both seeing different people at the time. It was a complication they would cloak with their surreptitious coitus – in the bathroom, at the library, behind the refrigerator even. He would give a missed call, and she would come. She would give a missed call, and he would cum.

Endless charades later, as they were about to leave college, they discovered this was love. Their older, as-yet-unsuspecting loves were dumped (in about 3 chapters of sheer torment for everyone – and by that I really mean e-v-e-r-y-b-o-d-y).

Find out how amidst career, sex, parents, sex, day-to-day drudgery, sex, marriage, sex, other things and plenty of sex, Sid and Shreds find out that true love conquers everything. As they say to each other at the end of their travails, in their quaint American parlance – “If it ain’t love, it ain’t anything.” The End. Or is it just the Beginning?

This 291 page Requiem to Love is sure to rip your heart out, chop it into little pieces and then reassemble most of it back. You will find out how YOU are Sid and Shreds. A love story that spares nothing. (And no one) Get your copy TODAY!

(Standard requirements of this genre : Boy and Girl must come from (and have met at) a premier educational institution. Check. They must use Hinglish and SMS lingo liberally. Check. As mst the authr wen he/she narates de storie. Chk. Boy must be tall and handsome, with an athletic body. Check. Girl should be slim, very pretty, with “long dark lustrous hair, eyes like saucers, and a full bosom”. Absolutely. Plenty of melodrama is a must, mainly in the form of misunderstandings. Check. She smokes, and he hates that she smokes. Yup. He cooks very well. Aww, yes, yes. They must go at it like rabbits – and by that we mean p-l-e-n-t-y of pre-marital sex. Check. Her mother must be worried about her marriage. Of course. LIVE IN relationship is essential. Double check. Love triangle? Triple Check. They must be “Software Engineers” by profession. Check. Oh, and lastly, there must be plenty of the slopy writing, grammertical error and spellng mistakes. We would’nt have any it other way.)

Photo credit:
www.friskodude.blogspot.co.uk

8 Comments

  • Laxmi (@laxmi)
    By
    Laxmi (@laxmi)
    14.11.12 12:23 AM
    Love the Kamasura simile! Unfortunately publishers don't pick up the unorthodox genres - hence one does have to dare to go Indie!
  • Atheist Indian
    By
    Atheist Indian
    09.11.12 08:19 PM
    Good one.

    The Chick Lit was right on the money. I've read a couple of 'student fiction' novels, I couldn't really believe someone would fall for the 'erotic' sections of the books. They are as realistic as an amateur writing an online fiction on threesomes. You keep track of the hands and at some point you realise they are either doing some crazy gymnastics or there are four pairs of hands.
  • Rickie Khosla
    By
    Rickie Khosla
    09.11.12 12:26 AM
    Harry, it's the kind of porn that the writer must include in his/her book to make an otherwise thoroughly insipid love story any palatable!
    And you had better control the typing frenzy - you will need that keyboard to write a thank you note to the writer for 'pepping up' your nights! If you know what I mean...hehheh...
  • HARRY
    By
    HARRY
    08.11.12 11:04 PM
    @ Rickie

    Are we talking about the kind of sex in the porn or sloppy sex which comes in form of relationship Rickie, which would be in case above?

    If it's porn kind of sex then bring it on, and I know it will sell sell sell. You know what I'm talking about don't you. I think there should be plenty of pre-marital sex in all the books. Bring it on second time. I will by few copies if you write this. Shhhhhit!!!!! I've just broke the keyboard in flurry of excitement, see what you are doing to me Rickie.

    HARRY
  • Rickie Khosla
    By
    Rickie Khosla
    08.11.12 04:06 PM
    Dish, yeah, the Indian writers section at all bookstores is quite well stocked these days. At what cost, is an entirely different matter!
    Thanks for the appreciation!
  • dish
    By
    dish
    08.11.12 11:43 AM
    it is not only bhagat , their r plenty others like- Durjoy dutta, nikita singh , sinha etc. a great article by the way !
  • Rickie Khosla
    By
    Rickie Khosla
    08.11.12 09:50 AM
    Jayanth, unfortunately, it's a monster we are all feeding!
  • Jayanth Tadinada
    By
    Jayanth Tadinada
    08.11.12 02:55 AM
    Its a monster Chetan Bhagat has unleashed

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