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Jugaad Jigs

Jugaad Jigs

August 13, 2012
Rickie Khosla

In ovation of the ingenious Indian innovator.

Napolean once said of the English that they were a Nation of Shopkeepers. Such a pity that he chose to command his armies west to Waterloo, when he could have just as easily travelled our way to the east to, say, Watterama in erstwhile Ceylon. My point being, had he travelled extensively in Asia instead of Europe, he may have discovered an interesting thing or two about us, too – for example, that the Chinese are a Nation of Xeroxers and the Indians a Nation of Penny-Inventors.

(That intriguing happenchance of being ruled by the French instead of the British for a few centuries is material for another blog post surely – imagine, I could have been asking my cook for some extra pâté  with my parantha this morning!)

Anyhow, coming back to us being a Nation of Penny-Inventors, how else does one reconcile things like the pressure cooker espresso coffee maker, or the sugarcane juice machine made of used bicycles, or the strange rural transportation ‘vehicles’ that we townies discover to our amazement on that occasional ‘field’ trip to the hinterland. It is quite unfortunate that the poor inventors of these jugaadoo implements have no clue about what a patent is, and their unique ideas are unable to reap millions and millions of rupees for them.

Of late, however, corporations worldwide have discovered that New Product Development and patenting new product ideas can be a massive cash cow for them. To that end, I started looking around for potential ideas myself, starting with a good read of my daily newspaper. Did I find some? You bet. Here are four poised for smashing commercial success.

The Anna Hazare Ginseng – So, everyone knows this story well – 3 important men decide to go on a fast (fast-unto-death, if you’d like to use the absolutely proper terminology). One is an elderly man in his mid-70s, a renowned freedom fighter and social reformer, the second is a modern day yogi, an accomplished belly dancer with a flowing black beard and a lazy eye, and the third is a highly educated angry young rebel on a mission to set afire the entire political machinery of the country. All three declare to everyone who lends an ear that theirs is a fast based on principles, and that there is no going back once they roll. So, the fast begins. While the old man trudges along happily despite being foodless for days on end, making speeches, humming patriotic songs and accepting flowers from little children, his other two chums fall like ninepins, practically within hours of deleting the Pizzahut Delivery phone number from their mobiles. Such are the hunger pangs that they make the yogi deliriously rant for women’s couture, and the rebel a seat in parliament!

Surely, there is something in Anna’s diet that makes him go on and on like a rabbit? And by rabbit I mean the Duracell bunny, of course. It is just a matter of time before food companies in India (Dabur, HUL, Nestle R&D folks to note, please) follow the man, whose life is an open book anyway, making copious notes on what he eats and what he avoids. Pretty soon, those ‘special’ ingredients will find their way into Anna Hazare Chyawanprash. Personally, I can’t wait to get my hands on a bottle of Anna Hazare Ginseng.

The Low Intensity News Media Spinner – The news media in India is like a teenager with acute ADHD who has never been exposed to modern medicine (no diagnosis and hence, no medication). This untreated malady keeps them from focusing on any one thing for more than a few minutes. Everything is important and, hence, must be exposed immediately as breaking news. One minute a reporter might be chasing the new President, the next might have another chasing a rabid Pomeranian. However, it has been noticed that nothing surges their frenzy better than non-Diwali fireworks. The Low Intensity News Media Spinner is a toy explosive device that does not cause any harm to life or limb, but is loud enough to convince news outlets that they must drop everything that they are doing immediately, and rush to the location where the end of mankind is imminent. This toy can easily be planted in bicycles parked around fast-food restaurants, causing panic and distress to over-sugared and fat-saturated patrons.

This excellent distractive tool is sure to find a prominent place in the arsenals of the government and the civil society alike. It is battery operated, making it usable even during power blackouts. In fact, if used during a massive power outage (or, perhaps, the aforementioned fast) it would be deemed appropriate usage.

The Invisibilator – This is an idea for a brand new mind game that can be played on electronic devices, such as TV. It involves two teams, and the only pre-condition for player-selection is that participants on both sides bear extremely large yet undeserving egos. This is a game of oneupmanship where the mission is for the two teams to pretend to collaborate towards a common objective (say, Prevention of Corruption), but, in reality, lay out diametrically opposite game-plans so that consensus can never be achieved. Neither party must blink first. In fact, both must feign that the other team is so immoral and reprehensible that they are entirely invisible to them. Hence the name of the game.

Pre-printed Final Olympics Medal Count – Let’s face it. Every four years, as we proudly watch the turbaned and saree’ed Indian contingent, plus/minus a few hangers-on, walk the opening ceremony, there is medal-winning buzz surrounding practically every single athlete of ours. The shooters, the archers, the shuttlers, heck, even the hockey team are projected to ‘peak’ at just the right time. In the end, all that glitters is still gold, but, alas, around the necks of the Chinese and the Americans, while we are left with promised post mortems around “disappointment”, “pressure”, “shocked”, “disqualified”, “valiant effort”, “went down fighting” and “heartbreaking eighth place”.

To prevent our people from tethering close to a heart attack for the two weeks that the Olympics are on, printed lists of the projected final Olympics medal count can be put on sale a week prior to the start of Olympics at all retail outlets and stadiums. India will typically feature in the 30th position on this list, with a combination of 3 medals – say, one of each colour?, or perhaps 1 Gold and 2 Bronzes?, one can be creative. To make the price competitive, companies printing these lists can obtain tax benefits from the Ministry of Health.

Obviously, this is a growing list, so do contribute by making your own suggestions. Do your bit for the country.

Photo credit: imgur.com

11 Comments

  • Deepak Sharma
    By
    Deepak Sharma
    14.08.12 07:32 PM
    This time though...olympic was different...we won a few medals... 1 per 10 person sent...much better that many countries!!
  • Rajpriya
    By
    Rajpriya
    13.08.12 05:02 PM
    @AussieDesi,
    There is another spiced up German wurst known as "MAMA'S Krakauer" it's gluten free and spicy.All German Papas love it.

    Have you tried it. Some of my Aussie Desi friends enjoy eating they when they visit me.
  • Rajpriya
    By
    Rajpriya
    13.08.12 04:47 PM
    @AussieDesi,

    I live for forty years in Germany knew nothing about " curry wurst". What an Idiot I am. Thanks for the info anyway.I will go ask for it LOL.
  • AussieDesi
    By
    AussieDesi
    13.08.12 04:23 PM
    @Rajpriya - Sorry, the Germans have already got "currywurst" ... its quite nice actually...
  • Rajpriya
    By
    Rajpriya
    13.08.12 03:02 PM
    Rickie,

    You sure threw it at me.

    I would give due credit to its source and
    could I use your picture on NRI for this purpose if I can't use you live show on my show?

    Next time I visit my pals in those restaurants I sure would take it up seriously to storm into the Germany pot (beer) bellies. Most of them could take quite lot and make the huge difference in the turnover figures.

    Thanks.
  • Rickie Khosla
    By
    Rickie Khosla
    13.08.12 02:48 PM
    Rajpriya, I think you have just hit upon an idea for your own Cooking Show on Deutsch TV!

    Thanks, A Singh, for reading!
  • Rajpriya
    By
    Rajpriya
    13.08.12 02:48 PM
    I do second A. Singh

    “The Low Intensity News Media Spinner is a toy explosive device that does not cause any harm to life or limb, but is loud enough to convince news outlets that they must drop everything that they are doing immediately, and rush to the location where the end of mankind is imminent.”

    Just brilliant!

    Some bosses for whom I worked for expected the same of me, until the day I became a boss and started expecting exactly the same reaction. Ain't it funny?
  • Rajpriya
    By
    Rajpriya
    13.08.12 02:40 PM
    Ha! Ha! Ha@ You know what, Indians have started ruling Germany. There are many Indian & Indian Punjabi restaurants I frequent.

    Punjabis are Indians aren't they? They are cute like all other indian food guys there so many extras on the house for me. I get the birds of a feather feeling eating Tandoori.

    They are really into attacking the German intestines but never thought of the Bratwurst Dosa with the German Sauerkraut merged in Sambhar may be novel idea. Thanks for the tip.
  • A Singh
    By
    A Singh
    13.08.12 02:39 PM
    "The Low Intensity News Media Spinner is a toy explosive device that does not cause any harm to life or limb, but is loud enough to convince news outlets that they must drop everything that they are doing immediately, and rush to the location where the end of mankind is imminent."

    Just brilliant!
  • Rickie Khosla
    By
    Rickie Khosla
    13.08.12 02:24 PM
    Rajpriya, can you imagine if Indians had ruled the world in the 18th and 19th centuries, instead of the Europeans? Perhaps you might have found your German neighbours enjoying a yummy Bratwurst Dosa with Sambhar as one of their staple foods!
  • Rajpriya
    By
    Rajpriya
    13.08.12 12:41 PM
    Do you think if Indians had thought of ruling their country long before the French, Portuguese, and English the nation could have taught the world what to do with their Brains? I know a money-spinning product that could solves all our problems to put us on top of the world..

    “Surely, there is something in Anna’s diet that makes him go on and on like a rabbit?”

    I have insider information about Anna’s secret of how he never gets hungry. This secret could be “The” solution to the starving millions of India if not the whole world.

    Anna should get involved with “Waterloo” a company providing Industrial Storage Solutions.to market his Ginseng. There existed ancient Sanskrit works known The Shivambu Kalpa and the Indian version “The Damar Tantra”.

    It was Lord Shiva who explained this system to Parvati. Here is the link:
    http://www.hps-online.com/hindiasutra.htm

    It’s funny however that the Olympics has no medals for the worst losers and the prospects dying without a medal makes me feel so miserable.

    Needless to say I enjoy reading your (nasty) stories that are so true.

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