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September 05, 2012

The long and short of being an Indian man.

There is this rumor going around the world that Indian men are, well, not as endowed as other races in places that count. And I am not talking about brains here.

This is taking racism below the belt.

I really want to meet the person who actually discovered this so called fact. Really. I am curious. How did you figure this out? Did you actually go around measuring them? Did the men actually drop their pants when you told them about your research? Was it measured ‘stand at ease’ or on ‘full salute’? Since I personally feel that a man’s weapon counts only when its in use, how did you get your subjects to achieve that?

Please. Enlighten me. I really want to know.

By the way, what are the techniques involved if I want to carry out similar research to determine the chest size of women across all races? Do I need a Phd to do tit, oops, it? Do I get funded for this?

So many questions.

Going back to the study on the sizes of male reproductive organs, we come 116. If you want to feel better, remember that we did not come last. That honor belongs to the Indian woman who won a silver medal in the relay at the Commonwealth games. Now they say she is actually a man. How did they miss that out? The name was a dead give away!

The country that carried out the survey came in at 94. Ha!

Personally I would like to console myself by saying that size does not matter, its the skill that really matters. Come on man, we are the Kamasutra guys. We invented sex. Before us, the world can be compared to cavemen hitting stones to make fire, until we came along with the Zippo.

Thing is, it’s not only in matters of the said organ’s main job description where size matters. It has another function. And once married, that seems to be the only function it has. Marriage is, after all, where sex comes to die.

I realize my inadequacy every time I go to a pub.

Where I live is supposedly a cultural melting pot. At least that's what they say. Once you take out the Malayalees, you can catch a glimpse of some locals and a sprinkle of other nationalities.

Anyhow, a pub is one place you have a decent mix of various nationalities and therefore is one place you can examine the evidence of the above mentioned study. Well not exactly in the pub but in its men's room.

I stand so close to the urinal that it might as well accuse me of harassment. And then there are these guys who will stand about 5 feet away from it and do their business. It never fails to make me feel miserable. Men are competitive. Its how we are.

My midriff, over the years, having grown to a size where it has its own zip code and micro-climate, has managed to ‘overshadow’ all things below my waist. I know I have legs only because I seem to be able to get from one place to another. So standing close to a urinal is my way of ensuring reliability from things that are unseen.

So the Cuban who is behaving like the Brussel's Manneken Pis in the Pub loo, doesn’t help my greatly diminished morale.

Personally I think the study is all wrong. For one thing, its too generalized. The researchers haven't met my late friend Markose, whose dude piston was so long that, he used it like a belt and with what remained, around his neck like a tie.

You know this story, right? Its no urban legend. Markose existed and he was my friend. I cant prove any of this now because he died of strangulation when we were watching Basic Instinct.

The truth is that the world is out to malign India. We are a big threat to every nation, with our huge brains, an ancient culture where, like wikipedia, we can cross refer everything that is happening now to something that had happened in India long long ago (Space travel? Been there, done that), our tandoori chicken, our sari...the list goes on.

This new study is a deliberate attempt to discredit Indian men. But the proof is in the pie. We are actually hung like horses. Its a well kept secret.

See our beautiful women? Ever notice that the majority of Indian women marries an Indian man? Ever wondered why? The world’s most beautiful women marrt Indian men. You think that is incidental? Ever noticed that India has the lowest divorce rate? That's because our women are happy. Those bruises on her are not signs of domestic violence but badges of the previous night’s passion.

Indian men are the best in bed. Period.

Don't believe me?

I invite all the women out there to go, bed an Indian man right now and judge for yourself.

Photo credit
: Chandra Marsono 


  • Vinod
    20.08.14 05:07 PM
    My small I need to inkrise sies
  • Rajadyaksha
    27.12.12 01:07 AM
    I am an Indian living in the west and I have come to believe there is some truth to this rumor and I have western women and Indian women telling me that. I have inspected myself and found couple of things about my penis that I want to share. First I notice that our foreskins are unusually longer than western and african men.In india we dont circumcise unless you are muslim. Secondly I notice that there is something about the muscle and blood vessels down there that is different for me than western or men from north.I then proceeded to look for images of penis of other asian men and lo behold some of the japanese,chinese,thais,filipinos are even worse. I have come to attribute indian penis sizes to be average as a result. Finally in my few encounters with the underbelly of western society (not too proud of it)I ran into strippers and Pros who told me that Indian men are shy,impatient during love making lot of them suffer from premature ejaculation (not making this up). One of them even seemed to encounter so many men from andhra pradesh she asked me if I speak "telugu" :-). After that information I have concluded that Indian Penis size is directly connected to the economic growth of India. Just like poverty stunts height,stamina of its population it has caused malnutrition of indian penis as well.Indian men were not this way 200 years ago. Malnutrition and sexual prowress also comes from the other aphrodisiac called "confidence" and "libido" that is tied to how powerful men "feel" which is directly tied to the conditions in our society. Its the same reason why India does not win a single gold medal in olympics. Penis size is just a symptom of something far more deeper in the national psyche. So if you want longer penis say proudly you have one and feel like you have one and no one will notice it. If you feel small that unusual long foreskin will swallow the long shaft an leave you with a ugly nub that the rumor talks about.
  • India rising? Not so much. The great Indian penis cover-up | Firstpost
    India rising? Not so much. The great Indian penis cover-up | Firstpost
    27.11.12 04:53 PM
    [...] threat to every other nations with our “huge brains” and our “ancient culture.” Tysonice boasts: Personally I would like to console myself by saying that size does not matter, its the skill that [...]
    01.10.12 02:18 PM
    There you go TYS brand new study just for you mate.
  • Jules
    23.09.12 10:27 AM
    This, of course, gave me a good laugh. I think that the stereotype of Indian men having small penises is just as stereotypical of all black men having huge ones. It's just a matter of luck I think. Maybe it has to do with something the mother liked to eat while the baby was still in the womb. Size does matter to some degree, but there are other means of hitting the right spots if the penis doesn't reach. I think love making is about passion, love, satisfying each other and feeling connected. A good orgasm helps too though, and a penis of nice length does help for that. Does size matter? 50% of the time. The other 50% can be made up for by having a giving partner. Besides, a smaller penis is easier to deep-thr... ehem. I need to shut up now. Good article, Tys.
  • moddalSatti
    18.09.12 07:42 AM
    I don't know about all Indian men, but i'm indian and i know i'm not typing this with my fingers !!;)
  • Angela Carson
    Angela Carson
    16.09.12 12:59 AM
    Thanks Tys, I'm really proud of the good that article has done. Was picked up by the Washington Post and is the single most read article in the history of :-) (done tooting my horn now). I'm now writing a follow up for Wisden for their upcoming Almanac.

    Again, kudos on the article, your numbers in inches made me laugh out loud haha "If only" is all I can say ;-)
  • A Singh
    A Singh
    15.09.12 02:47 PM
    So now you are introducing a new north-south divide - that the further south one travels (ahem), the tastier the snack on offer, even if it may (or may not) be a smaller one.

    But surely the this could be an irrelevant fact, depending on the policy of the consumer....

    I think I should typing now.
  • tys
    15.09.12 06:38 AM
    @harry : absolutely no point at all..but like owning the biggest car, the fastest bike , the hottest woman, there seem to be a need to compensate our self by highlighting our neighbours supposed inadequencies...

    but i have it on the highest authority from fellitio experts that indian tastes better...something to do with spices..serious...see? iam truly educational.

    @ A singh : i disagree , oh son of the wheat fields, we are also known for our coconut trees, coconuts and our bananas...

    but truth be told, every one seems to stand a fair distance away from the urinal compared to me....yesterday my urinal proposed to me...said its time to commit.
  • A Singh
    A Singh
    13.09.12 11:07 PM
    Tys, while I would like to share your optimism, I fear it may be wishful thinking. I can only console myself that, hailing from the land of the five rivers, I can stand a little further back from the urinal than you.

    Methinks, you already know the truth. You often refer to your homeland as the 'prawn state'
    13.09.12 10:02 PM
    @ TYS

    I was wondering what is the whole point in all these ( knowing the size of mans dick ). Lets say for example that sector A has 17.9cm and sector B has 18.1cm. What is the point in knowing these when it doesn't prove anything apart from the pointed part. (pun intended) It doesn't prove that the man in sector A is a lesser man then the one in sector B, does it? You know what I'm saying. Even if it does prove something what is the point of it, that's what i'm trying to say.

    Isn't this information as usefull as TIT Flavour Lolipop to a todler. Will you let me know when you find this out because the mystery is killing me and I'm curious to know what it is, now that I'm standing in front of the mirror naked trying to see the difference. hmmmm.

  • tys
    12.09.12 10:09 AM
    @ angela :had read your article about the cheer leaders of IPL...truly eyeopener for the painters with a single brush and a limited palette. I hope its allowed and ethical to give that link here for the rest of the readers...

    @cocododo : had no idea who this guy is...untill now...the greatness of having no general knowledge what so ever...will certainly read up and find out more before giving my two bit..
  • CoCoDoDo
    11.09.12 12:09 AM
    @tys : yes, i am happy to be a part of this website, because i have started to leave comments. :) i just used to read them, never left any comments, because i am not a NRI so thought maybe it is not a place for me to post comments, but feels good to be talking about things now. :) Talking about freedom of speech, i am very hurt that the mumbai police has locked Aseem Trivedi, the cartoonist for and charged him with Sedition. I would like if NRIs could speak up in his favour. It has been almost three days and there has not been any voices from across the border, i appreciate NRIs contributed a lot in Anna Hazare campaign, i will very appreciate if something more could be done about this Aseem Trivedi Guy. :(
  • tys
    10.09.12 10:36 AM
    @getalife: leave me out of this...iam married, which means that my sex life is no just a figment of my imagination...i just want the rest of the worlds women to enjoy something they have missed all their life...indian men. It should be in their list of things to do before they die.

    @sushil : iam happy for your contentment in the size...i have no idea about mine since i lost sight of mine a long time ago when the diameter of my mid rif eclipsed it..population does not require art...all that requires is a need to procreate and time...what i would like to bring to the worlds notice is that smile on our indian womens lips...and the cause is indian men...we dont even need size when we have the kamasutra and our tantras...its time for that to be shared among the unfortunates..

    @supratik sen : yeah...i just hope the supply can meet the demand.

    @shovon : measure up? we patented sex..there are 53 positions that people shud get a court order to perform..

    @NS : i recall that the nurse said the same thing when i stripped for my prostrate check up.

    @RAJ : i salute you for your patriotism and your selfless sacrifice of your time and body fluids to the cultural exchange of our eastern mystical sexual pleasures to our deprived sisters from other countries...

    @harry : damn man, now you tell me! here i have spend a fortune in creams to slather onto a part that i dont see .. what orgasm? Indian women dont have orgasm, they bite their lips and rub their feet together and then theres something 2 flowers do to each other...

    @angela : you had a friend ,who is a he, who went around measuring male penis? Damn ...i need to find out who funds these things. But i have it on authority that what you say is true, it is a fact that the sizes starts decreasing as you travel your way down ( no pun) india...but did you know that in jammu and kashmir ( starting point), we start at an average of 17 inches. Then it just decreases 0.005 cms as you go down ( again no pun)...

    by the time you reach kerala, its at a disappointing 12 inch.

    its scientifically proven...see, i have even put numbers with dots in between.

    @cocodoo : :) yes ..brown man now has the freedom to talk about the size of their dicks without being lynched for it..which will be a pity. Infact we can talk about anything here as long as it doesnt offend anybody...i love being free.
  • CoCoDoDo
    08.09.12 07:40 AM
    Good to see atleast somewhere Indians talk so open about things which really are funnier and does not matter if they are sexual in nature. You are NRIs are blessed to be living in a world which so full of freedom. I read the articles out here all the time and i love them for being so free in nature. And the best part most of them are penned by Indians. And love these comments too, Good to see brown man enjoying freedom of speech, all the time i thought only West is free, but really great to see fellow Indians enjoying the liberty as well. :)
  • Angela Carson
    Angela Carson
    07.09.12 02:41 AM
    Ahhhh, I've missed reading your articles... wish I felt comfortable being very specific and honest here but I don't. But I can say based on my personal knowledge and the conversations I've had with expats here that none of us have experienced 'small' in quite the astounding numbers in any other country as we have here in India. And I do actually have a friend who has done actual research in India on this exact topic (actual measuring) all around the country and he has proven stats that show that the northern men are more endowed than those in the south. A sad stat given that I live in the south ;-) hehe
    06.09.12 10:08 PM
    @ TYS

    As soon as I saw the title of an article I knew you had something to do with it, in a good way.

    I'm tired and sick of seeing naked men in the gym, I just don't want to see it any more. Blacks, Whites, Indians, Chinese and all others and you know what, I think they are all same in that department.

    The thing about the size is, it does not dependent on the nationality. I think pretty much most men are average. If that means something. So I don't know what the fuss is about. If we were the nation of small or under average why do we have biggest population? some may argue size does matter, you know what, now I know it doesn't. It's what you do with it that counts.

    And one other thing is, most women don't reach climax just from penetrative sex. So the size is not important, which we thought it was. I wish I knew what I know now 20 years ago then things would have been different. So don't worry about it.
    BTW it was hilarious to read the write-up. Thank for that TYS.

  • R-A-J
    06.09.12 09:22 PM
    Great post, Tys.. I stand up in, sorry, attention to thee, my friend.

    And for all the women who'd like to take up on Tys's invitation at the end of the above awesome post, you can reach me at + 96 11 99 00 11 124

    I have fine wine and good porno.

    Let's do it for the country.


    Pretty Please....

    Pretty, Pretty, Pretty Please....
  • NS
    06.09.12 06:15 PM
  • Shovon Chowdhury
    Shovon Chowdhury
    06.09.12 02:52 PM
    I'm glad we measure up.
  • Supratik SEN
    Supratik SEN
    06.09.12 07:01 AM
    Extremely hilarious and patriotic article!!! Write about us Indians, pen us dingo dong, we're there :P. It's a welcome relief from the serious write-ups, although the sense in it is a serious threat to Indian virility...well done Tys!
  • Sushil
    05.09.12 04:45 PM
    Wow! What a bog? When I left India, the population of India was somewhere in the region of 500 odd millions and now it stands at well over 1.2 billion. 100 percent growth in 30 odd years. So, does size really matter? Mind you I am not ashamed of the size I have because I never had any complaints to date, and that includes most of the races if not all. Long live Indian men and their manhoods.
  • Rajpriya
    05.09.12 04:36 PM

    I guess they say that, if the dipstick is not long enough it won’t reach the sump ?
  • Getalife
    05.09.12 02:35 PM
    Hahahaha.. An extremely hilarious and funny article. Loved the flow and the way you have presented the facts. Let me pray for you and hope that many women approach you to confirm the facts stated in the article :-)
  • tys
    05.09.12 12:39 PM
    @ XYZ : point duly noted....but pray, enlighten me about the supreme humane topic that you deem i shud think and write about?

    Beyond the self effacing rambles of our humane philosophies and other such nonsenses , we and that dog are not that different. Our mistake perhaps is believing that we are.
  • tys
    05.09.12 12:33 PM
    @devious : i bet you are not concurring with our indian mens' sexual charisma...u are i will go crying to my mother.

    @ sunil : mean to say that there was a time our dongs were considered beautiful when it was just dings? Why do i get a feeling that a mallu was behind that greek logic?

    @ kevin : your selfless sacrifice to the progress of science and cultural exchange of knowledge , is inspiring.

    @ maria : just doing my patriotic duty of clearing this misconception...ridiculous dont you think? baseless.

    @ rajpriya : ha ha.I wonder why they say that we think with our dip stick.

    @Amit : I will remember that next time i arm wrestle with it. Thanks.
  • XYZ
    05.09.12 12:23 PM
    Non sense topic to be discussed about! Indians are far more superior as they are not living a 'Dog' life but a humane life!

    I guess you need to use your mind in some other sensible areas instead of writing about this
  • Amit Agarwal
    Amit Agarwal
    05.09.12 11:49 AM
    'It's not the length but the strength that matters'
  • Rajpriya
    05.09.12 11:05 AM

    That was really worth a good and great laugh. However, Mobile phones are the only things about which men are proud of owning the smaller.

    By the way:

    God says to Adam: I have good and a bad news for you. Which one do you want to hear first?”

    The good news, says Adam.

    "You'll get both a penis and a brain.” says God

    "And what’s the bad?" asks Adam:

    "You can unfortunately never use both at the same time.” says God.
  • Maria
    05.09.12 10:08 AM
    Well done Tyce! A read so hilarious it's worth sharing!
  • Kevin
    05.09.12 07:40 AM
    LOL awesome! For the sake of study, I am willing to be tested by any woman who want to "bed an Indian man right now and judge for yourself."
  • Sunil Deepak
    Sunil Deepak
    05.09.12 06:25 AM
    The greeks thought that a short penis was good for virility because then the sperms did not have to travel much and could go out relatively warmer and more productive. Thus for them short penis became synonimous of male beauty. That is the reason why greek nude statues have short penises.

    May be we are so many because we are more virile? :)
  • deviousDiv
    05.09.12 05:46 AM
    LOL! And yes- I concur, Indian men are... ;)

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