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Mallu Madness

Mallu Madness

September 20, 2012

They say a mallu behaves better outside of his home state. I agree.

There’s a lot of talk about how that mallus behave better outside their home state. There are also rumors that we work better outside our home state. This would logically mean that take a mallu out of his prawn state and he will be a more productive person. I cannot refute these statements. Because in my case that’s probably true.

I don’t understand politics. That technically denies me my mallu citizenship to a large extent. When I was studying law, I was selected as the class representative for SFI, the student wing of the Communist party. To this day I have no idea what that was all about.

Two years in Kerala made me certain that I was a total misfit there. I had no interest in where my fellow passenger in the train was going to, I had no inclination to ‘hang out’ with my male college mates on the parapet passing comments on my female college mates, I found politics boring and pointless. Moreover I had a bunch of Peroorkada Rowdy Chettans waiting to bash me in the bus stop because I was....well, me.

No other reason.

I wore black. I was liked by the girls in my class because I could hold a normal conversation with them and I had no idea what the full form of ABVP (Akhil Bharatiya Vidyarthi Parishad, in case you really wanted to know!) was. It sounded like a disease. And of course a life time of convent boarding school experience ensured that I could actually speak English, which made me, something called Ash Posh - which in mallu, means a snob. I have to agree, I was. I mean, come on. I just didn’t find it interesting. Sue me.

A mallu’s answer to someone like me will be to beat me up. Yep. We are very progressive when it comes to dealing with the strange.

Colour your hair, wear something other than what conforms, do anything to stand out - you will be beaten up. Have fun, it will beaten out of you.

I have this cousin who came to visit. She is a teacher in Kerala and was filling us in on how nowadays, youngsters are wearing their pants low in imitation of their western counterparts. Then with so much glee she regaled us with how the cops there beat these kids if they are found wearing such attire.

I don’t get it. Of course I too do not understand the comfort behind a pant that is purposely threatening to fall off any time but that doesn’t mean I get to assault them because I don’t get it. My cousin and I got into an argument about this. I asked her what her problem is considering its is not her ample derriere on display . She gave some spiel about the eroding of our Indian culture which strangely seems to depend on our arse. I told her to f**k off because going by her logic, women being beaten for wearing jeans and having a drink is okay too.

This is a teacher! I shudder to think of the future generation this women is influencing.

Now me, I seem to encourage the spirit of thrashing in my fellow mallus.

Prior to studying law, I had wanted to be a doctor. So like all good mallu wanna be doctors, I too enrolled myself into a parallel medical entrance examination training center in Trivandrum. I was able to complete two days there. The third day saw a multitude of Chankachoola ruffians outside my tutorial waiting to beat me up.

Was it my long dyed hair? Or was it my black clothes? Was it because of my stunning good looks? Possibly. I seem to attract hostility.

Ever been in a mallu fight? There are mating dances and we have the pre fight rituals.

I have a theory on this. If you are going to really get into a fight, there will not be any conversation. You will either get attacked or you attack. Period.

But if there is conversation, which involves a lot of shouting, shoving, onlookers around pulling your attacker back very half heartedly, then chances are good that you will walk away from this unscathed.

But watch out when a mallu takes off his watch and folds his mundu.

That’s as good as seeing an elephant with his tail held high and his ears fanned out. He is going to charge. Never wait for a mallu to take off his watch. Kill him before he does that. You either run or you just attack. Punch his throat, knee his groin and for good measure kick down hard on the ankles so that he stays down. Then you run and make sure that you don’t ever come back to that area again until a reasonable amount of time has passed. Approximately 100 years would do it.

Mallus can carry a grudge.

I know of one guy who beat his best friend with a stick after they had gone to the temple pool for a night swim. Before leaving the beaten and visibly stunned friend the guy told him that it was the payback for a fight which had happened when they were kids. That’s not normal behavior. That’s pure psycho. But don’t take any chances.

At last the news of the whole mallu world looking for me reached my uncle who then unleashed his CITU party workers from the railways porters to protect me.

The next time I attended a tutorial, I had a truck load of hefty guys all dressed in red shirts and mundu outside waiting for me. I just asked the auto guy to turn the auto around and went home. Thus the world was deprived of a surgeon.

I like Kerala, I really do.

Just don’t hit me because I find some of the species that occupy the land truly jobless.

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  • Varun Mani
    Varun Mani
    25.08.13 08:23 PM
    Hi Tyso chetta, wow i really enjoyed reading your take on Mallu Madness, & TOTALLY AGREE WITH U BRO... almost felt you had actually taken the words right out of my mouth on many instances. Thanks for being bold to accept we need to start respecting each other like the white folks & the rest of the world. Lastly Had a great laugh dude when i read.... Ever been in a mallu fight?... Chankachoola ruffians!!
    20.09.12 09:13 PM
    @ Stutiis

    That's rich coming from you, calling NRI's hypocrites. When the Indians living in India don't give a damn about all the rubbish they throw away on the street with out a care in the world.

    We only do it because we see you and others do it. We don't see it done abroad so we don't do it. See, very simple. Change your ways to change India. If you stop it, others will too.

    India is dirty because it's what you and our fellow country men have done, not outsiders. It's time to take responsibility for your own actions instead of blaming others but I guess it's easier to blame others.
    20.09.12 08:50 PM
    @ TYS

    The childhood stories are very familiar about geting beaten up or beating somebody up. I'm like this because of all the hostility I have faced as a child. I think the kids who wears their pants too low should be beaten for fun, because I don't like them either. Well I was beaten, so why should they be exempt. Now come to think of it I was beaten up because I was better then them.

    The part about all Indians leaving India (NRI) will always work harder outside behave better then our fellow country men in India.

    Have you settled down in your new surroundings?

    It's always good to read your articles they always reek of truths. :)
    Have a good one.

  • Bhadra
    20.09.12 06:25 PM
    I love your articles about Kerala:) being a malayali I can say that they are so true.
  • beinghindu
    20.09.12 01:21 PM it :)...especially the last sentence.

    it's a mystery , why Mallu work better outside!!! thy drive disciplined outside and they can't ...!! they are polite out side they are not...!! may be all because of that category you described last. may be the community don't entertain decency...

    what do you think Tys if the Mallu does not exist as the way they are! ? don't you think its gone be like "uppilatha meenkarry"...? I think so...
  • Stutiis
    20.09.12 11:44 AM
    @ Meera, that is not an excuse. Charity begins at home. If you have so much of urge to work well, you can work at your country as well. But it is the mentality of the people. The same NRIs who don't throw garbage on roads in the foreign countries, when coming to India throw it on road only and then make statement Oh, India is so dirty. Hypocrites!
  • Meera Trivedi
    Meera Trivedi
    20.09.12 06:12 AM
    I will say all the NRI work better when they are out of their country.

    They can not work well in their country because no body works there systemetically and well.

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