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Desperately Seeking Dhoklas

Desperately Seeking Dhoklas

July 09, 2012

Coming to America and Living in America, the Indian Dream revisited with tongue firmly in cheek.

Disclaimer: This piece will shamelessly stereotype Indians in the US. So if you plan to read on - please set aside your moral outrage.

I will talk specifically of those who live on the East and West Coasts. The Bay Area in California - the IT mother ship and the home of the twice-born Brahmin and the East Coast - the home of erstwhile IIT (computer) engineers who have shape-shifted into Wall Street Suits.

The Basics

Let’s start with New Jersey. First off, you should know that the moment you say New Jersey, you show yourself up to be the laughably ignorant person you are and your Indian American neighbor will roast you alive on his newly acquired barbeque. The correct name, to be said with an air of casual nonchalance, is of course – Jerrsey. The fact that the state motto mirrors that of Bangalore (which of course is the Garden City) is no coincidence since half of Bangalore - quite literally - lives there. It’s practically a suburb of Bengaluru – give or take a few thousand miles. In the old days, grandma used to drive across town to Jaynagar to meet the daughter , cook for the grandchildren and play with them. She now hops across to Edison – to cook for the grandchildren. Do you want to know the precise exchange rate of the US dollar? Ask Savitri Aunty across the road.

Now San Francisco. Know that you date yourself very quickly by referring to it as ‘Frisco. Only Indians bred on a steady diet of cheap American novels of the ‘70s would make this (heinous) mistake. From now on, you will say San Francisco or, if you must, San Fran.

The Well-settled American Indian Family (or WAIF)

The WAIF have lived in Jersey for over 20 years and the grocery store in Edison holds no mysteries for them. Their mantra has been “Huddle for Survival” and they are your go-to team for help on settling in. Ask them where you can get the best paan, the best jalebis and the best kachories. They know every Indian family within a 5 mile radius, the elderly Gujarati lady who will make phulkas and dal and also cook a full party dinner at a pinch (her dhoklas are to die for), and the Indian travel agent who can get you cheap tickets to India. They are prepared for all emergencies. On flights back home to the US from India, they will pinch the little pre-packed dahi served with the meal (as a starter to set my dahi at home).

Road trip? No problem! The Vegetarian WAIF is prepared. Junior might want the odd burger and fries but will eventually want to slurp up his curd rice. So gigantic containers of rice and the ingredients for a quick basic meal along with a handy Prestige cooker are thrown into the boot of the SUV. Thank you TTK.

Junior’s Education

The adolescent Indian child of a WAIF in America is doomed. In most cases, the parents are determined that nothing less than Ivy League will do for Junior. (I was once asked by one Ambitious Mother (AM) what “school” I had graduated from. My answer - “Bangalore University” had them wiping tears of laughter as they sincerely thanked me for making their day.) The AM sits up with the child supplying strong coffee and milk drinks through the night. Nothing shall distract the child from his/her holy mission – Columbia or Yale. Sports are out ( what for? He doesn’t intend to go pro…), girls are verboten and forget about sleepovers.

Once Mission Columbia has been achieved – the task of the proud parents does not end. Weekends are spent carting huge boxes of puliyogare and curd rice for the son and heir who is confined to the dorm for the duration of the parents’ visit.

Years later ( perhaps 2?), when he makes VP at Goldman Sachs, he will thank his parents through gritted teeth for their support and love (with meds, touch wood, the nervous tic and the nightmares will soon be a thing of the past)

The Single Indian in New York (SIN)

As we all know, New York these days is teeming with young Indian professionals. This is a hybrid creature that has some unique traits. If he/she has recently moved from India, an immediate makeover is indicated. The motto is – Blend Or Die.

Men realize that the thing to do is to lose the luxuriant moustache. American women seem strangely repelled by it and anyway, everyone in the office is clean-shaven. Women quickly master the New York scarf knot, invest in boots and of course acquire the “I am a New Yorker” attitude. This is readily recognizable by:

a) a deep and abiding contempt for all things Jersey b) a quickly acquired knowledge of the best pizza, the best burger and the best mojito in town c) a blasé, jaded “impress me” attitude. The only thing that gives me hope and joy is to see how quickly this evaporates when they enter the sambar - redolent premises of Saravana Bhavan on 26th and Lexington Avenue.

WAIF’S parents arrive for the annual visit

The grandparents land in Newark airport quite dazed by the long haul flight and are whisked away to the son’s (or daughter’s) home in the suburbs. The joy of reunion is, needless to say, tremendous. After the obligatory day or so of rest , the grandparents are exposed to the Mall. In the days to come, the grandparents come to understand the meaning of Living in America, aka Living in the SUV. The daughter/daughter-in-law spends 90% of her time in the SUV – driving to and from work or driving the husband to and from the railway station, picking up and dropping the kids off to school, to ballet class, to karate, soccer practice and of course let’s not forget Bhagavad Gita classes with the option of Bharatnatyam. Kim Kardashian aside, we must not forget our glorious culture.

The grandparents watch this whirl of activity in a slack-jawed fashion, with the sick realization that this will continue for the length of their stay. Their fond hopes of spending time with the children have been downgraded to “hanging around while the children get through their long week”. They have a window of 15 minutes each day – after dinner and before the family watches TV (a 52 inch 3-D Home theatre system – “Latest, Amma and the biggest”) when they can timorously broach the topic of ummm… returning to India. What??? You don’t enjoy living in this huge house? With the big TV? We even have a couple of Indian channels! No no please don’t go… Occasionally, they are carted off to dinner where they meet other grandparents – recognizable by their glassy eyes and brave efforts to sound like they are… really… having a great time. Of course, before leaving, they will make sure to cook up 200 chapattis and a story of how much they enjoyed their six months in the Garden State.

Meanwhile, on the west coast… but that’s another story. 

6 Comments

  • Britul
    By
    Britul
    19.07.12 08:13 PM
    ha ha .. liked the "impress me" attitude of girls ... nice nice ...
  • umashankar
    By
    umashankar
    10.07.12 09:51 AM
    Deserves an entry in Encyclopedia New Jerresica!
  • Rickie Khosla
    By
    Rickie Khosla
    09.07.12 10:38 AM
    You know who you are! hehhehh...
    Priceless!
  • sahi
    By
    sahi
    09.07.12 10:16 AM
    oh my.. this is soo true..."I am a New Yorker" attitude was the best!!... one can never really forget the roots... thats the reason y ppl still hog wen one enters saravana bhavan or any indian restaurant..:)
  • Rajpriya
    By
    Rajpriya
    09.07.12 08:37 AM
    WOW! Is that how the Indians forget their roots in the Valley of Silicon? Great you enlightened me. It's pleasing to hear about Indian women not filling their vital parts with those sillykon stuff but just stop with a naughty or is it knotty NY scarf and Bharatnatyam.

    Yes, I too have a relation who calls me every now and then to remind me that two of his three adult kids are in the US and that he spends most of his time washing their dirty linen ssshhh! Not in public when he is there.

    Whenever I happened to go there I never let them know because I let laundries wash even my own when I travel around and don't walk into rat traps for free B&B.

    Enjoyed reading what our fellow Indians are upto first hand and it is sad that Bengalaru the garden city has turned into a garb city where I found everyone happy going about breathing unfiltered carbon monoxide and they all looked perfectly normal.

    Let us hear more of our oafish countrymen and women.
  • Meera
    By
    Meera
    09.07.12 07:19 AM
    Hilwrious & insightfull!
    I couldn't agree more with the last part & NYC scarf mastering!!

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