There is this rumor going around the world that Indian men are, well, not as endowed as other races in places that count. And I am not talking about brains here.
This is taking racism below the belt.
I really want to meet the person who actually discovered this so called fact. Really. I am curious. How did you figure this out? Did you actually go around measuring them? Did the men actually drop their pants when you told them about your research? Was it measured ‘stand at ease’ or on ‘full salute’? Since I personally feel that a man’s weapon counts only when its in use, how did you get your subjects to achieve that?
Please. Enlighten me. I really want to know.
By the way, what are the techniques involved if I want to carry out similar research to determine the chest size of women across all races? Do I need a Phd to do tit, oops, it? Do I get funded for this?
So many questions.
Going back to the study on the sizes of male reproductive organs, we come 116. If you want to feel better, remember that we did not come last. That honor belongs to the Indian woman who won a silver medal in the relay at the Commonwealth games. Now they say she is actually a man. How did they miss that out? The name was a dead give away!
The country that carried out the survey came in at 94. Ha!
Personally I would like to console myself by saying that size does not matter, its the skill that really matters. Come on man, we are the Kamasutra guys. We invented sex. Before us, the world can be compared to cavemen hitting stones to make fire, until we came along with the Zippo.
Thing is, it’s not only in matters of the said organ’s main job description where size matters. It has another function. And once married, that seems to be the only function it has. Marriage is, after all, where sex comes to die.
I realize my inadequacy every time I go to a pub.
Where I live is supposedly a cultural melting pot. At least that’s what they say. Once you take out the Malayalees, you can catch a glimpse of some locals and a sprinkle of other nationalities.
Anyhow, a pub is one place you have a decent mix of various nationalities and therefore is one place you can examine the evidence of the above mentioned study. Well not exactly in the pub but in its men’s room.
I stand so close to the urinal that it might as well accuse me of harassment. And then there are these guys who will stand about 5 feet away from it and do their business. It never fails to make me feel miserable. Men are competitive. Its how we are.
My midriff, over the years, having grown to a size where it has its own zip code and micro-climate, has managed to ‘overshadow’ all things below my waist. I know I have legs only because I seem to be able to get from one place to another. So standing close to a urinal is my way of ensuring reliability from things that are unseen.
So the Cuban who is behaving like the Brussel’s Manneken Pis in the Pub loo, doesn’t help my greatly diminished morale.
Personally I think the study is all wrong. For one thing, its too generalized. The researchers haven’t met my late friend Markose, whose dude piston was so long that, he used it like a belt and with what remained, around his neck like a tie.
You know this story, right? Its no urban legend. Markose existed and he was my friend. I cant prove any of this now because he died of strangulation when we were watching Basic Instinct.
The truth is that the world is out to malign India. We are a big threat to every nation, with our huge brains, an ancient culture where, like wikipedia, we can cross refer everything that is happening now to something that had happened in India long long ago (Space travel? Been there, done that), our tandoori chicken, our sari…the list goes on.
This new study is a deliberate attempt to discredit Indian men. But the proof is in the pie. We are actually hung like horses. Its a well kept secret.
See our beautiful women? Ever notice that the majority of Indian women marries an Indian man? Ever wondered why? The world’s most beautiful women marrt Indian men. You think that is incidental? Ever noticed that India has the lowest divorce rate? That’s because our women are happy. Those bruises on her are not signs of domestic violence but badges of the previous night’s passion.
Indian men are the best in bed. Period.
Don’t believe me?
I invite all the women out there to go, bed an Indian man right now and judge for yourself.
Photo credit: Chandra Marsono
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