It is August 1st, 2014. The Indian Parliamentary Elections have just concluded under major political re-alignments. The UPA has been consigned to the electoral dustbin in spectacular fashion. They lose all the seats they had won in 2009, including Amethi. Soon after the elections, ex-PM Manmohan Singh shuns politics and takes up a small-time job with Time magazine, a move that his critics label as sheer underperformance. Sonia Gandhi moves to Milan, Italy, where she is said to be derided by the local population for her Indian-accented Italian. Rahul Gandhi decides to move on from politics as well, and starts his new life by placing an ad for a wife in bharatmatrimony.com. There are rumours that he has been approached by the producers of the hit TV show ‘Rahul ka Swayamvar’ to star in its new season.
The NDA experiment is a failure, too. Their consensus Prime Ministerial candidate, Atal Bihari Vajpayee, who loses his seat, is mothballed for another five years. L.K. Advani declares that he is retiring from politics as soon as he finishes his latest rath yatra. The Left parties lose out everywhere as well – it has been reliably learnt that all their key leaders are looking for teaching assignments on Marxism in Chinese universities. At the time of going to press, no one is said to have heard back from their Chinese comrades.
The new Third Front, comprising of more than a 100 small parties, has made the most of this political vacuum, much to the initial shock, then concern, and eventually, alarm, of the nation. President Pranab-da has appointed a brand new Prime Minister. The relations between the President and the new PM are said to be frosty. In fact, during the swearing-in ceremony, the two have their backs towards each other. They even decline the customary sandesh that is offered to them.
Today, the first meeting of the new cabinet is underway in Delhi. The key agenda item is India’s bid for the Summer Olympics of 2020. The new PM, Home Minister and Finance Minister are in attendance.
Let’s listen in.
Prime Minister Mamata Banerji : So, have we decided which city to nominate for the 2020 Summer Olympics?
Finance Minister Mayawati : Yes, Didi, I propose Greater Noida. It already has the infrastructure we need – parks, expressway, golf courses, empty flats for the athletes, and vast open spaces for building new stadiums. If we need more land, we can just ask the local farmers to repossess their land from builders and resell them to us at higher rates – they have already done it a half a dozen times, what’s one more?
Home Minister Jayalalitha : I beg to differ, Behenji. I am certain that there is no better city for the Olympics than Chennai. Parks and roads may be important, but the key requisite is – Olympic Spirit. As we all know, most Indians, and especially North Indians, lack sporting spirit. In fact, I think North Indians have no spirit at all. Has anyone ever been able to motivate people and get them interested in any sporting event there? All of us remember the empty stadiums during Commonwealth Games! We do things differently in the South. You see, here in Tamil Nadu, I have ten thousand 200-foot tall hoardings, five thousand in Chennai alone. If I converted just half of them to show images of sportspeople instead of me, it will be enough to get the proud people of Chennai to roll on the ground to welcome the Olympics, like they do when they are welcoming me or praising the Gods. The world will be enchanted to see that kind of devotion.
PM : What, why are you talking about Greater Noida and Chennai? I was confident you were going to say Kolkata! I demand that we nominate Kolkata as the 2020 Olympics host city. The people of Kolkata deserve it after 30 years of Communist rule!
HM : But, Didi, you were the CM of Bengal these past few years, surely that has been reward enough for the people there?
PM : Sure, Amma, it has been great for the Ma, Mati and Manoos of my state. But our hands were always tied by the old UPA government. They never let us do anything! Never gave us any money. Never supported our policies. Never listened to us. Never said good things about us in the media. Never treated us fairly. Never met us. Never encouraged us. And this kind of treatment when we were their most loyal ally! Yet, despite all that, I was able to rename West Bengal to Poschim Bongo. As you know, things got better there right away.
HM : Be that as it may, Didi, Kolkata already has it good when it comes to sports. You have the best cricket stadium, the best football stadium, the best T20 team. People are already sports crazy. It is the same kind of sporting spirit that needs to be developed everywhere else, too. We should start with Chennai.
FM : Amma, sporting spirit is ok, but you have no water in Chennai! Won’t athletes require something to drink after they finish their races?
HM : That is not my fault, that is Karnataka’s fault! Yeddy is a thief! And he is conspiring with Karunanidhi to bring me down!
FM : But the fact remains, you have no water. And knowing Yeddurappa, he will keep coming back to power for another 50 years. He is like Mulayam that way!
PM : So what do we do about the Olympics, we still don’t have a consensus. I already have a Facebook message from Narendra Modi demanding we move the Olympics to Gujarat. I am going to comment back to him – sorry, one can’t move everything to Gujarat!
HM : I have an idea. Why don’t we move the Olympics to Gujarat, and also send him Suresh Kalmadi as part of the package deal! And since it is BJP, we will force them in return to move all the Cauvery water to Tamil Nadu! They will have to agree. And I will rub Karunanidhi’s face in muck with my sparkling victory!
FM : Good idea, Amma! And to give Olympics an Indian touch, we should re-label them as Maha Maya Games 2020! It has such a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
PM : I like it! And since I am not giving them the Maha Maya Games 2020, why don’t I give Kolkata something even more special? Why don’t I move the federal government to Kolkata! Yes, let Delhi be the rape capital. Kolkata can be the new national capital. I feel we deserve it. After all, the British also had Kolkata as the capital. It is very painful to keep coming to Delhi for meetings, anyway.
FM : I am already building the Kanshi Ram International Airport in Greater Noida. I can fly into Kolkata from there in my private jet anytime. Yes, let’s go ahead!
PM : So, we are all in agreement? Behenji? Amma?
HM : Yes, Didi!
FM : Yes, Didi!
PM : The motion is carried. Now let me make some calls to Modi and Kalmadi. I think one is in Tokyo and the other in London. Secretary, put me through.
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