New Delhi : June 13, 2012 : Owing to the abysmal failure of our Miss Indias at all international pageants over the past few years, the UPA government has decided to take complete charge of the training, grooming and styling of our beauty queens. Starting with the Miss World 2012 competition in August, the government has guaranteed complete success at all future beauty competitions.
The government decision comes amidst a huge public outcry about India’s fall from grace since the heady days of the 90s when India seemed to win every beauty pageant in sight. Latest photos of Aishwarya Rai and Lara Dutta, ex Miss Indias, only exacerbated the nation’s anguish.
Recent Miss Indias have not compared well with other international beauties. The key gap was felt in their body contours in the swimsuit round, and their confidence levels in the question-answer section. Not only were our representatives found to be less shapely than their foreign counterparts, they were also not convincing in their responses to the questions from pageant judges.
“Are there no size Zero b*****s in India?” Sidhartha Mallaya, renowned female-gazer and boyfriend to the stars lamented on Twitter recently.
The government’s decision was announced by Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee at the end of a crucial cabinet meeting on the state of the economy. “Zero is not always a bad thing. Sometimes, it is a very good thing,” he said, expressing the government’s commitment in ensuring our beauty queens adhere to size Zero resolutely.
With every single developmental and economic growth indicator of the country stuck at Zero, experts feel that the UPA government is uniquely qualified to achieve that magic number in beauty queen figure size as well, and with flying colours.
Lauding the government’s decision, Narayana Murthy, the co-founder of Infosys, told journalists at a CII meeting that the government had succeeded in playing Zero to its advantage. “I don’t say it often, but today I am very proud of my country”, he expressed to the applauding press folk. Members of Standard and Poor rating agency, also attending the meeting, appeared distraught at this declaration. Foreign media were seen to be taking copious notes.
While the Finance Ministry will ensure size Zero, there is a long list of UPA politicians who have agreed to mentor the beauty queens on the dreaded question-and-answer rounds. “The fear is all in their heads. Obviously you don’t have to mean anything you say when you answer a question – but you must look very earnest,” said Kapil Sibal, senior cabinet minister. “For example, if the judge asks you how you will help in educating children, your answer should be that you will personally give coaching classes to each and every child in the country to be ready for the IIT Joint Entrance Exam”, he added. “That’s the kind of response that gets you the crown, guaranteed.”
Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has decided to personally coach the new Miss Indias on ways to deal with the bitchiness and backbiting that exist in the sidelines of every international pageant. Observers feel that the PM is uniquely qualified to train them in managing other women with inflated egos and unreasonable demands. Said Sabira Merchant, Styling Guru,”These coaching sessions typically require a lot of role-playing, and we want the whole experience to be as real as possible. We have managed to convince Mamata Banerjee, Mayawati and Jayalalitha to assist the PM on this. Didi has made some special demands and as soon as the PM agrees to them, she will fly down to Delhi and we will begin these workshops”, she added.
Even BJP and Left parties have expressed interest in providing all possible assistance to the beauty queens. “It is a matter of national pride. I am available to them until I am sworn in as Prime Minister. After that, I will not have time,” said L.K. Advani, senior BJP leader.
The government appears to be pulling out all the stops to make this program a grand success. These include legal impediments. According to estimates, it is expected to cost hundreds of billions of dollars on grooming and styling Miss Indias. Since only Suresh Kalmadi is qualified in the country to operate an open-ended fund for just a few minutes of pageantry, the CBI has been temporarily disbanded and all charges on Mr Kalmadi dismissed. Mr. Kalmadi has been appointed the head of the MIOC (Miss India Organizing Committee).
“India’s commitment to Zero is eternal and abiding. We are proud of this legacy,” said Mr.Mukherjee, concluding the cabinet press conference. It may be noted that the number Zero was discovered by Indian mathematicians around 5 BC. It continues to play a significant role in our nation even today.
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