New Delhi : June 13, 2012 : Owing to the abysmal failure of our Miss Indias at all international pageants over the past few years, the UPA government has decided to take complete charge of the training, grooming and styling of our beauty queens. Starting with the Miss World 2012 competition in August, the government has guaranteed complete success at all future beauty competitions.
The government decision comes amidst a huge public outcry about India’s fall from grace since the heady days of the 90s when India seemed to win every beauty pageant in sight. Latest photos of Aishwarya Rai and Lara Dutta, ex Miss Indias, only exacerbated the nation’s anguish.
Recent Miss Indias have not compared well with other international beauties. The key gap was felt in their body contours in the swimsuit round, and their confidence levels in the question-answer section. Not only were our representatives found to be less shapely than their foreign counterparts, they were also not convincing in their responses to the questions from pageant judges.
“Are there no size Zero b*****s in India?” Sidhartha Mallaya, renowned female-gazer and boyfriend to the stars lamented on Twitter recently.
The government’s decision was announced by Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee at the end of a crucial cabinet meeting on the state of the economy. “Zero is not always a bad thing. Sometimes, it is a very good thing,” he said, expressing the government’s commitment in ensuring our beauty queens adhere to size Zero resolutely.
With every single developmental and economic growth indicator of the country stuck at Zero, experts feel that the UPA government is uniquely qualified to achieve that magic number in beauty queen figure size as well, and with flying colours.
Lauding the government’s decision, Narayana Murthy, the co-founder of Infosys, told journalists at a CII meeting that the government had succeeded in playing Zero to its advantage. “I don’t say it often, but today I am very proud of my country”, he expressed to the applauding press folk. Members of Standard and Poor rating agency, also attending the meeting, appeared distraught at this declaration. Foreign media were seen to be taking copious notes.
While the Finance Ministry will ensure size Zero, there is a long list of UPA politicians who have agreed to mentor the beauty queens on the dreaded question-and-answer rounds. “The fear is all in their heads. Obviously you don’t have to mean anything you say when you answer a question – but you must look very earnest,” said Kapil Sibal, senior cabinet minister. “For example, if the judge asks you how you will help in educating children, your answer should be that you will personally give coaching classes to each and every child in the country to be ready for the IIT Joint Entrance Exam”, he added. “That’s the kind of response that gets you the crown, guaranteed.”
Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has decided to personally coach the new Miss Indias on ways to deal with the bitchiness and backbiting that exist in the sidelines of every international pageant. Observers feel that the PM is uniquely qualified to train them in managing other women with inflated egos and unreasonable demands. Said Sabira Merchant, Styling Guru,”These coaching sessions typically require a lot of role-playing, and we want the whole experience to be as real as possible. We have managed to convince Mamata Banerjee, Mayawati and Jayalalitha to assist the PM on this. Didi has made some special demands and as soon as the PM agrees to them, she will fly down to Delhi and we will begin these workshops”, she added.
Even BJP and Left parties have expressed interest in providing all possible assistance to the beauty queens. “It is a matter of national pride. I am available to them until I am sworn in as Prime Minister. After that, I will not have time,” said L.K. Advani, senior BJP leader.
The government appears to be pulling out all the stops to make this program a grand success. These include legal impediments. According to estimates, it is expected to cost hundreds of billions of dollars on grooming and styling Miss Indias. Since only Suresh Kalmadi is qualified in the country to operate an open-ended fund for just a few minutes of pageantry, the CBI has been temporarily disbanded and all charges on Mr Kalmadi dismissed. Mr. Kalmadi has been appointed the head of the MIOC (Miss India Organizing Committee).
“India’s commitment to Zero is eternal and abiding. We are proud of this legacy,” said Mr.Mukherjee, concluding the cabinet press conference. It may be noted that the number Zero was discovered by Indian mathematicians around 5 BC. It continues to play a significant role in our nation even today.
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Rickie Khosla is a career Market Researcher based in Gurgaon. He was born in Kolkata to Punjabi and Assamese parents but raised mainly in New Delhi. After school and college in Delhi, his career took him to New York City where he spent close to ten years observing India from a distance. He returned to India in late-2009. To all those who pass half of their lives without figuring out why they were put on this earth, there comes a day when they want to stop the train and get off. To that end, Rickie has recently chosen to take a break from corporate life and try a serious hand at something he has enjoyed as a hobby for many years - writing. He likes to take up serious topical issues but laces them with humour and satire.
Peta Jinnath Andersen is a freelance and fiction writer. Born in Sydney, Australia, to a Fiji-Indian father and Scottish mother, she’s a bit confused about her background, but loves it all the same. Currently living in the US, she has just had her first child, and is busy studying hard in an effort to learn more about her Indian heritage – including taking Hindi lessons – so she can teach her son about just what it is that makes an NRI special.
on June 14, 2012
at 12:25 am
Nice satire! It was kind of scary to think when I saw the intro for this on Facebook that someone might actually be serious about India’s “failure” at international pageants that no-one other than the oranisers and participants gives a damn about anymore. So it was relief to find out that the article was in jest, appropriate becaue beauty pageants themselves are nothing but a joke
on June 14, 2012
at 12:41 am
Haha! This is amazing.
Oh, you should try writing for FakingNews.com Just a suggestion
on June 14, 2012
at 2:21 am
Hey, you forgot a vital element: Reservations! It must have 50% vacancies reserves for the dalit behens of the land!
Otherwise, an excellent piece.
on June 14, 2012
at 3:04 am
Thanks for reading. Yes, this was just satire – we are safe from the government getting into the beauty pageant business! (Or are we?)
on June 14, 2012
at 3:17 am
LOL, just a matter of time before we see Reservations, too, I’m sure!
on June 14, 2012
at 4:42 am
Nice piece of write-up. Totally agree with Vivek’s suggestion
on June 14, 2012
at 4:45 am
@Rickie,
Had a good laugh. Thinking a little bit more seriously about getting our beauties on top of the world, Siddhartha always wants them at the bottom so that he can always be on top.
Then thinking about a break through by the Govt. India: could have succeeded if they were more into giving than taking bribes. Finally the entire nations hope lies on the shoulders of Anna Hazare to make a break through and he will remain as only one with zero results sitting right on his bottom at some maidan with Guru Baba with nothing else to do but sit next to him with his zero bottom.
I would suggest these two follow a method that would make them sit more comfortably even if it’s for years with a cushion effect until the Govt. of India goes down on its knees to accept giving bribes rather than take to get our girls on top.
Read the story about butt injections that could give an optical illusion of a zero size to the jury.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2158234/Vanity-Wonder-Shot-Girls-Mother-spent-15k-butt-injections-writes-book.html
on June 14, 2012
at 5:01 am
Hi Rajbala,
I sense anguish in your comment. What is wrong with our society that even when we know what is wrong, and everyone knows what the correct answer is, nothing still happens? Anna Hazare, even with that grassroot support he had, went nowhere. Elections keep churning up the same debris over and over.
Perhaps I need to join politics…
on June 14, 2012
at 11:15 am
Hi Rickie,
To tell you the fact I ask this question myself over and over again. I only wish I knew. As a kid I observed my father closely as a politician. Sadly he was a very good-hearted man in the wrong profession and was successful in being in the company of powerful fellow politicians and enjoyed more party going than practicing clean politics.
He enjoyed so much influence with the Govt. and of course the influence of whisky with out which you are no complete politician and retired a student of politics.
He was always surrounded by loads of henchmen to applaud him even when if he was only yawning. No wonder I chose not to be thrown to his heir.
If you join politics you will have my support against all odds to make the change we so badly need. bearing in mind it could be a long and weary way to the end of a never-ending tunnel.
Trotzdem viel Glück! Meaning wish you all the luck nevertheless.
on June 14, 2012
at 11:24 am
Hi Rajpriya,
First of all, I am extremely sorry I misspelled your name. Sorry.
Second, I am intrigued by your family background. I know we will not exchange any names here, but have you considered parting with some interesting family stories in the form of a book or memoirs?
I think people like you and I are staying away from politics for exactly the reasons you have mentioned above. Such a pity!
on June 14, 2012
at 12:35 pm
Yes! I am interested and have a complicated but extremely stranger than fiction experience that includes getting out of a car in time that rolled 500 feet down over a tea plantation and lived to tel the tale.
on June 14, 2012
at 2:04 pm
That made a fantastic read!
on June 14, 2012
at 8:02 pm
Rajpriya, so I am convinced that your memoirs are due!
Thank you, everyone, for the notes of appreciation. I am glad you liked this!
on June 15, 2012
at 1:27 am
Hi Rickie,
Yes! I confirm they are due. As the next step I would like to discuss details of what we aiming at as the final outcome. I am in the printing trade for four and half decades and continue to be. So I am aware of all the stages starting with the manuscript as the first step.
Would you be comfortable with pdf?
I will let you know my email address through NRI admin so that we make a start as the first step.
I am not yet done with your article Mark of Zero. I have a few more observations I want your opinion about. I will post. Will be later today.
on June 15, 2012
at 6:38 am
@Rickie,
About spelling my name wrong I know the difference between genuine and deliberate mistakes. Kein problem.
I watched TV show “India’s most desirable” by Simi Garewal. It displayed how much the youth (future politicians) of India today desire pomp and pageantry. It was so much in contrast and confirms Khadija Ejaz’s “Voice of the People” that sweaty Indian millions are ignored or don’t even exist.
Siddhartha Mallya the most blessed son of India was born with a ball bearing fixed between his head and the shoulder that provides him the unique turning circle of 360 degrees in whatever angle making female gazing a child’s play. When he was given the opportunity to interact with the audience of young women giggled and wiggled ecstatically as if their vital spots were being tickled.
The final accomplishment of a dream mission was a hug by Siddhartha leaving the rest thinking why wasn’t it me? They would all if possible love to be lying at his feet in his harem. They are people who would not care what Indian Govt. is up to as long they are kept entertained by mainstream media and Bollywood.
Given the amount of beauties available in India its no wonder playboys like Siddhartha take to star gazing like fish taking to water. Are those young people ever interested in changing India for the better?
So just you and me joining politics would only upset the present gala setup and we would only fail so miserably. We should let India do what it can do best and continue to make a big fuss as loud as we can, that’s the best we could.