Why do people look at the content of their handkerchief just after they have blown their nose in it?
What do they hope to find?
Oh, there you are ! I was wondering where you went.
Why do they do that?
I was at a party some time back and there was this woman who sneezed into her handkerchief and then looked at it before folding it and pocketing it.
WTF!
What do you expect to come out of your nose? Your brains?
People are funny. You can’t help but like them. Even if they are just viruses. (yep its not virii; that just sounds plain stupid)
My favorite specimen as you know are the Mallus. I can’t help it, they are just too adorable.
If you want to get out of a self induced depression go to Kerala. Its the funniest place ever. There are no depressed Keralites in Kerala; they have all killed themselves. It has the highest suicide rate in the whole of India. Now there only remain happy mallus.
Come on, you can’t take a place that is named after a coconut tree serious!
Ever noticed a mallu on a mobile phone?
I am sure you have.
By now you along with all the people in a 3 miles radius from him will know that his father is going through a by pass and that gopalettan, his brother-in-law, is a drunkard and that he is much better after his piles operation.
My younger brother says that America has its CIA, the Russians their KGB, the Chinese their Kang Sheng and India has mallus.
You want information, ask a mallu.
They know everything.
From what your father did in 1947, to your favorite sexual position. Which is funny since, if you have ever had the misfortune to watch mallu porn, you will notice that apart from the missionary position and the accompanied breast kneading, mallus dont seem to have any other positions.
I have been told once that the term mallu is very degrading. Buddy, Nigger is degrading, mallu is an upgrade. I mean, would you rather be called a Keralite, which in reality means a Coconut Head? I don’t know pal; I think I will stick to mallu. It sounds more appropriate.
We hold hands.
I recall once when my sister-in-law, who is German, came down to Kerala and thought that we are all gay.
You see two guys walking down the street holding hands, its natural that you will assume this. But this is Kerala. In Malluland we hold hands and we are ‘just friends’. Really. This is also why, if you are a mallu and gay, you have to resort to acting like a girl.
The hand holding was already taken.
It is uncomfortable to watch a man with a mustache acting like a girl.
On second thoughts, I think I will retract that statement, since mallu girls have mustaches. Some of them even have a beard. I think this is why when they travel by the local buses the Mallu men feel them up. I think they are just confirming.
Mallu men have also been unjustly termed as the worst eve teasers in India. I beg to differ. I think eve teasing is a national phenomenon but mallus are just the most unimaginative ones.
Correct me if I am wrong. Which woman out there finds a man, who gives a wolf whistle as you walk by and then makes a comparison of one of your body parts to some vegetable, attractive?
Anyone?
I didn’t think so. Then why in gods name do they always do that? Where did this evolve from? Did it ever work? Was that the mating ritual when we were living in coconut trees before we climbed down and started growing them?
And for heavens sake, whats with the breast kneading?
A European guy once asked me if it is considered impolite to look a mallu girl in the eye. I told him that she will just be surprised.
They are so used to being looked at everywhere but their eyes
Apparently this chap read in some tourist info booklet in Europe that if a mallu girl looks a man in the eye then that means she wants to sleep with him.
Damn.
They knew this is in Europe and we were wasting our time looking everywhere else.
I want to meet the publisher of this guide to Kerala.
I am telling you, its hard to be depressed in Kerala. One day here and I am already cracking up.
Just ignore the pun.
Dear NRI readers why not connect with us on the following social media platforms.
A misanthropist's point of view on life and all that goes along with
it, including its so called meaning, rituals, faith,
society,culture, sex, gender, death and varied such nonsense that
makes life what it is. A perspective, you will have to agree, is only
as serious as his subject. Tys on ice is also the founder of the
popular movement called 'whogivesafuckism' which is predicted to
change the world as we know it by which time you will not give a damn,
thereby becoming a member.
Peta Jinnath Andersen is a freelance and fiction writer. Born in Sydney, Australia, to a Fiji-Indian father and Scottish mother, she’s a bit confused about her background, but loves it all the same. Currently living in the US, she has just had her first child, and is busy studying hard in an effort to learn more about her Indian heritage – including taking Hindi lessons – so she can teach her son about just what it is that makes an NRI special.
on April 26, 2011
at 2:31 am
Hilarious!! This State remains in my WISH LIST of places to visit. Your post, has just put me in the planning mode,for my upcoming holidays!
on April 26, 2011
at 8:00 am
hehehehehe…funny…mallus are funny!
on April 27, 2011
at 9:57 am
very entertaining
loved the pun
on April 27, 2011
at 2:11 pm
Hilarious to the T. I was ROFLing throughout this post. I actually called one of my Mallu friends midway and forwarded the link to your blog. Loved it. Cheers!! Looking forward to more Mallu (mis)adventures.
on April 27, 2011
at 4:25 pm
Excellent narration which is very near to reality. As a mallu (and unfortunately also a mallu critic on many issues), I should appreciate the incisive analysis of mallu culture. Incidentally, I get reminded of my own article on ‘mallu web culture’ (http://sibi-cyberdiary.blogspot.com/2010/02/sensual-mallu-and-web-culture.html).
Good article!! Keep blogging.
on April 28, 2011
at 12:35 am
Only ‘Mallus know Mallus’!
Hilarious!
Enjoyed!
Again, ‘Only Mallus can enjoy’ this!
And ‘Only Mallu can write’ like this!
And ‘Only Mallus can survive’ like this!
That is the speciality of Mallus!
That is why Mallus are seen every nook and corner of this World, flying away from God’s Own Country, to come back with ‘Handfull’, to lavishly throw away!
Hai Tys-on-Ice, write more, make everybody think and laugh, make everybody work their Brain and increase Blood Circulation and Live Merrily, Happily in ‘God’s Own Country’!!!!!!
on April 28, 2011
at 4:20 am
I have seen men coming from UP,Bihar in Mumbai, who hold hands all the time. I never knew this existed in Kerala because i never got to see it thankfully. But here it is so common in Mumbai among the men from the north that they are labelled as pansy.Imagine hugging your male friend like you would hug your girlfriend, in the middle of a busy street!! Aaaaaargggh!
on April 28, 2011
at 5:47 am
Hey, Hi
well the only thing you missed is, kerala is no longer mallu land buddy….
its the famous “Gelf”…
the are much more mallu here than anywhr else inthe world…
i infact even starteed writing a collection of such events…to be published as an epic of mallus…
you know whats the best thing abt mallus, you ridicule them yet they would laugh at it…
gosh “sarcasm” just doesnt exist for them….
btw, nice post…the porn part, they even fantasize the “Belly” & “Thunder Thighs” …
Regards,
Eon Heath….
on April 28, 2011
at 7:37 am
No Comments.
on April 28, 2011
at 11:32 am
oh man!!!!!! that waz just coool.. he he
on April 29, 2011
at 1:08 pm
Thanks for the helpful post. New learnings:
1. Germans hold each others hands only if they are gays/lesbos.
2. Europeans read the travel guides to learn the ways to get mallu girls on bed
3. Mallu men need to FEEL the women to confirm whether they were real WOMEN! (i thought they already knew it and hence they FEEL IT!)
And a small piece of learning 4 u:
FYI, the term ‘Mallu’ is degrading only because the internet is full of porn videos of Telugu and north indian men & women with the word ‘Mallu’ in the video title. Why? Do u guys like our women so much??
on April 29, 2011
at 8:05 pm
Why does some people become misanthropist’s?
One of my friends says it is because of conversions!!!!
May not be true for all, but of course there are some exceptions for everything.
Once these exceptions convert, they lose their identity. To try to resurrect by adopting foreign names like Eon Heath (Which means Thunder thighs in Latin) or “Tysons’nice Dik,”. They try to “Cross” their culture by marrying their sisters and mothers to Germans and Italians, but in spite of all these they never become foreigners:) Neither are they Indians or even Malayalees too,
Then the frustration begins. A misanthropist is born.
He is no more a Malayalee he is a Mallu!!!
The reaction begins by insulting their culture, civilization, motherland, and mother tongue.
Their parents are black so they throw them in “Old-age homes” in Kerala and goes back as misanthropist NRIs who believe they represent more than three crore MALAYALEES.
Note: Madhav and Ashish, today it is a Malayali but remember there is large scale production of misanthropists in India as of now. Soon they will start representing you own states
on April 30, 2011
at 5:57 am
@viyoma : i think it belongs to one place u shud visit before u kick the bucket…u will be made to feel welcome.
@madhav : arent we now?
@nanditha: whats the fun without the pun?
@ashish : u actually spammed me? iam so honoured.
@sibi : cudnt read ur post..it wudnt go thru..iam not a mallu critic…i just happen to find people funny..mallus happened to be closest.but u must agree, they are great subjects.
@jaya : u made me wipe a tear off my eyes by the end of that comment..i almost stood up and saluted, to the tune of mantrikochamma varununde as the background score..but u r rite, we do seem to have the grace not to take ourselves too seriously…in my books thats a huge plus point.
@priya : see? we r all too different then…i too am a big hugger…i hug anything that moves..i say hi with a hug, say goodbye with a hug…i dont even discrminate…men, women, children and in some cases , even animals…after reading u i realized that i must seem very weird.
@eon:kind of beat u to it, eh? …but sarcasm is kind of lost to us, isnt it?…
@lailaal bin : u actually commented to say no comments?! now, thats somehow damn hilarious..i take my hat off to u..brilliant…maybe sarcasm is not wholly lost on us.
@hari : yep.thats me.cool.
@jymoo: man, u are the type who eats avial and try to figure out the number of vegetables that went into it, arent u?
Let me take the time ( i have no idea why)
my german sis in law, doesnt represent the whole of germany…so i wudnt be in a position to tell u if germans hold hands only if they are gay or lesbos…
the european i spoke abt was actually a visually impaired guy i was talking to in an ngo in kerala…so it was really funny hearing him say that..and in response to ur deduction, lets not really flatter ourselves.
in regards to ur understanding what it feels like to be a woman, dont even bother…we r men, we possibly will never be able to even figure what they feel or go thru..my suggestion…dont fake what we possibly cant understand..
if the term mallu is degrading becoz its a term used in all indian porn, then i bet we will have a problem with words like desi, aunty, uncle, woman, girl, indian and even nri …
@oh dog :thank u for ur in depth analysis on the origin of my being..it was amusing and slightly off the mark..so let me correct some minor errors in ur deduction ..
u know why a misanthrope is born? its becoz of pricks like u.
on a normal day, i wud have read ur views and told u to take ur mother for a walk or scroll down and read a movie review..but today is not a normal day..so u will get to hear what i think.
i find a person who holds on to his/her “culture, civilization, motherland, and mother tongue.” as if its the only thing that identifies them akin to a necrophilic , yeah the kind who likes fucking dead things..people like u forget humanity and worship the stuff humanity made…for u the world is divided into us and them..and anything that does not belong to ur culture, motherland, civilization and other such nonsense is the outsider..
if u cant laugh at urself and everything u stand for then , my friend, u r afraid to look within lest u find the very foundation that makes u shaky..in short it makes u a coward..u are what we misantrophes call the puke eater..u swallow what others have ejected and claim it as ur own and even stand to defend it..
u make me.
like i said , on a normal day, i would have atleast pretended to be civil, but today i will tell u to go fuck urself.
on April 30, 2011
at 10:52 am
@author
Yes, I’m that type i guess. If my wife serves me some avial that contains rotten coconut, ripe banana and a piece of good drumstick, i would say “baby, the drumstick is outstanding”. This is because, i feel, I’m not a critic.
Let me take some time too (i have a lot of that
)
U spoke of one German and a visually impaired European and r not able to reason out if all Germans or Europeans were of that kind. In that case, I am interested and curious to know the PARTICULAR MALLU u were referring to in this post.
Regarding my third point and ur response to that, i only know it as a universal phenomenon. May be u need to watch more international movies (incl. porn) or travel around the globe by bus. U may need more scientific reading too.
I often interact n drink (they r honest when drunk) with ppl from diff part of the country (south&north) and observed that they think, talk and behave almost as the mallus I have seen do. So, my advise to u is not to restrict ur sense of observations to the so called crowd of mallus alone. Try to b a universal citizen, as vallathol said, ‘Lokame tharavadu’.
on April 30, 2011
at 11:13 am
@jymoo: u r actually rite but unfortunately out of the 2000 odd posts i hve written, only the mallu ones seem to b making the cut here… Its a lil irritating actually. The mallu i refer are the ones i know, the ones tht are known and also the ones who knw who iam talking abt..tht cud perhaps also include u ,me and apporate vitillae gopalattan.
But i seriously think iam overdosing on mallu here..
on April 30, 2011
at 1:31 pm
Mr. Bloger!!!
Thanks for the calm and composed reply to this coward and shaky (with fear) reader.
You are really ‘uncoward’ and ‘unshaky’ right from the beginning of your reply when you changed “Oh God” to “Oh Dog”. I am sure you will forgive me for my poor English, as I’m a Malayali
You said it man: “u know why a misanthrope is born? its becoz of pricks like u.” I never knew you were a production of my prick. Thanks for acknowledging, I can’t recollect though
.
On your comment on respecting my mother land and mother tongue: Yes, that’s how I began. First I learned to “respect thyself” then only to respect others. I think all Malayalees should model me on this! (OMG!!!!) Athillavanu ithumilla, ethu??? Bye the bye don’t look for respect in this reply!
On your comment: “for u the world is divided into us and them anything that does not belong to ur culture, motherland, civilization and other such nonsense is the outsider..”:
Point 1: Of course the world is divided into us and them. Even your blog is about this division. On the one side “Funny” malayalis and on the other side the “Outsiders”. On the one side the malayalis who copulate to reproduce and on the other side, saints who get their women impregnated with heavenly intervention, without even touching their women!
Point 2: I might agree that “nonsense is outsider” to me, as I take only what make sense. I would rather be an Insider with respect to outsiders than an outsider like you vomitting hatred on insiders by saying “you are living with Fucking deadthings”. Yes we are living with “Fucking deadthings”, but sadly you are also a part of it
. You can only pretend otherwise. Yes, the same mistaken identity!!!
On your advice to read books: That’s the problem man, in my bookshelf it is O.V Vijayan and V.K.N (Masters of PUN) and on my computer it is you!!!!, the author of MalluKutty days.
Some have declared high blood pressure by enjoying the PUN (In Malayalam, Pannal) in your words. But Malayalikale “Pun”nan, I think you need more stuff. Otherwise try writing your blog in Malayalam. Malayalees will circulate it along with the SISILA and RATHRI SHIV RATHRI SONG in you tube
U make me? I mean, Punniyo (Sorry Pun kittyo?)
Ithu stuff illa suhruthe
. When one of my NON-Malayali friend forwarded the link, saying “Funny Mallus, Read this” I expected more, probably we can wait for “Epic of Mallus” to be the written by the guy who said who has an obsession with “Thunder Thighs” (Though he blamed that too on Malayalis).
On any other day I would have ignored the e-mail with “your link”, but yesterday was a bad day. By now you would have known that I swallow “what others eject’. By reading your reply I knew you too are thirsty, now please swallow mine, let’s do it without holding hands!!!
on April 30, 2011
at 3:12 pm
toche !
Btw ur refernce to both the comments abt my religious afflition is wrng… Not tht it matters…u r also wrng abt ur assumptions on wht i read to wht my beliefs are…tht doesnt matter either…aftr all
whn i did post this, i was also aware tht i mite piss someone off..in this case its u…
So if u really want to know..
. Lets take this to my email , which is tysonice69@gmail.com or to my site tysoince.blogspot.com….this is aftrall some body else’s site and iam an invitee here, so if we r arquing lets do it at our ground..
I promise, no holding hands.
on April 30, 2011
at 6:27 pm
To both of u guys, Oh God and tys,
Have u guys watched American Beauty? All r nuts, in different ways.
Earlier i used to wonder abt the variations in the degree of insanity. Not anymore. I’m only looking at the types of insanity now.
on May 1, 2011
at 8:46 am
@tys and other readers of this Blog:
I am giving a few headings from tys’s blog archives for the notice of the readers of this blog.
1. Kneaded Here
2. Pussy Galore
3. Naked Games
4. Bullshits : Chapter 2
5. Bullshits. Chapter1
6. Slip And Slide Away
7. Whogivesafuckism
8. A Loo Chat
9. Off with her head!
11.Godless in the Gods own Country
No offense to you tys, i am just making the readers understand the tastes of the author. Let people with similar taste follow you. This will save time for those who are not interested and this will also prevent them from putting unnecessary comments/arguments.
I really don’t know about your ethnicity, but whichever it may be, i won’t tell that that entire race is of persons with your interests. I know there are people like you from all ethnicity.
Now you may post anything and i am sure there will be a lot of readers who share your interests.
With the satisfaction of washing my legs, with lukewarm water, after accidentally stepping on donkey shit.
happy blogging,
Manu
on May 1, 2011
at 5:33 pm
@jymoo : the way this is going, a lot more crazies are going to cum outta the woodworks. Watch this space..iam glad u r enjoying the show. I am aware the reference was to me too, but iam aware of my insanity.
on May 2, 2011
at 4:26 am
@manu :
u forgot to mention :
read my tits
blow dry
i bet u thought the movie ‘dirty dozen’ was porn.
Thanks for the probable traffic to my blog. People r going to think i paid u.
For a guy who stepped on donkey shit, u seem to hve lingered in the spot long enough.
on May 3, 2011
at 4:14 am
Really nice reading…. left me in splits… so well articulated! Please keep righting ….. pun intended!
on May 3, 2011
at 8:23 am
@mary : thnks …. I aim to please but i guess i miss the targets sometimes…thnks for ur comment
on June 9, 2011
at 5:01 am
hi all….really enjoying this blog….my wife and i are considering settling in Kerala…and the insight that comes from this blog makes us confirm in our minds that we are making the right decision….
there are pricks/dickheads/cunts in all corners of this world…….just got to see the good in people first….
my wife is Indian and I am of Indian orgin….and what always annoys me is hopw we differentiate ourselves within India….as if we live in different countries within a country….i wish we could start a movement to rectify this thinking……anyways…looking for more interesting commenst to read…for now….chow…..
on June 9, 2011
at 3:44 pm
chan : u will love kerala….most people have a great sense of humour…they are the greatest in satires…..its also a very clean place…beautiful too….if u r not frm kerala, get ready for some attention but its not meant in a bad way…most r just curious and there is an innocence in their inquisiveness…be patient and then be more patient…but if things get outa hand ask for help…and u will surely recieve it…one thing abt keralites are, like punjabis, they will fite anothers battle..
U will love it…any truble, let me knw.
on November 26, 2011
at 8:23 am
EXAGGERATED THOUGHTS!!!
“WORDS OF JEALOUS” !!!
on February 4, 2012
at 6:47 pm
Observations after reading the comments on this blog:
1. Mallu men are intolerant to criticism even if they are not personal.
2. They have no sense of humor.
Notice only mallu men have a problem with this blog post. All the mallu women, including me, love it and agree with it
on August 20, 2012
at 1:03 pm
Oye Manju – Why shouldnt u enjoy It? All his words are against men
Btw there is no objection from part and I agree with u Tys, although some of them a little exaggerated. But still ‘FEEL WOMEN’ part. Thats a clean mirror for Malayalees lol.
Shhh Dont stone me.. Im a mallu boy my self
on August 21, 2012
at 2:01 pm
@ alavalathi ( feel bad calling you that, i dont even know you): not fair. i was against women too. if anything, i cant be called biased…my hatred is universal
on November 25, 2012
at 1:48 pm
That was really a funny post. As I’m basically a mallu, I guess I could relate to certain things u had mentioned, even though I don’t have moustache,lol.
I am not surprised that some got offended, since many mallus (not all) have this habit of taking everything personal n sometimes putting their nose into other’s business too much. I know this mallu guy who took offense for me, a mallu girl, having a non-mallu bf. It is indeed funny how people react sometimess!
Anyways nice read!
on November 28, 2012
at 1:56 pm
Hilarious!
on November 30, 2012
at 4:18 am
@ritu, you have a non mallu bf!? how could you? dont you realize what you are missing? think of the upper lip exfoliation that can occur each time you kiss…shame.
@shail : u r refering to my profile pic? that was supposed to be mysterious…but what the hell.
on December 1, 2012
at 5:01 pm
Well written and good sense of humour. Having lived overseas now for 21 years, I couldn’t agree more. Many Indians in general (and not just Mallus), have a very thin skin and incapable of laughing at themselves. The same people will mock other cultures (particularly Western ones) happily. The maturity of a person is his ability to laugh at himself, the same applies to nations and races too.
on December 2, 2012
at 7:59 am
@ saji : actually i beg to differ..the truth is, apart from a few overtly sensitive humorless morons, most mallus laugh at themselves…they are like the surds in that regards…and bongs…i think it comes from confidence…if you look at it, its easy to laugh at yourself, when you know the jokes dont stick..i have always felt that laughter is passive aggression…
it also helps that we are easy to be sterotyped…that always works well with jokes…
ability to laugh at situations and our own limitations are a sign of coping…
see below…laughter allows you to think without being accused…so there are no fingers pointing that is not pointing at oneself…its an excellent weapon…
Jokes from Muslim stand-up comic Goffaq Yussef Maybe
a sign of peace when we start hearing humor from a
Palestinian perspective….
Good evening gentlemen, and get out, ladies.
On my flight to New York there must have been an
Israeli in the bathroom the entire time. There was a
sign on the door that said, “Occupied.”
What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes?
Nothing! You told her twice already!
How many Palestinians does it take to change a light
bulb? None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the
Jews for it!
Did you hear about the Broadway play, “The
Palestinians”? It bombed!
What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi
Arabia? Lefty!
Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features
full facial nudity!
Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the
West Bank? Because it’s just a stone’s throw from
Israel!
Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys?
Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock
group!
A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli
police. “Honest, I’m not a suicide bomber,” he said.
“I didn’t say I wanted to blow myself up so I could
sleep with 72 virgins. All I said was, ‘I’m dying to
get laid!’”
What does the sign say above the nursery in a
Palestinian maternity ward? “Live ammunition.”
Palestinian girl says to her mommy: “After Abdul blows himself up, can I have his room?”
Thats all folks..
on December 2, 2012
at 4:59 pm
@ TYS
LOL, those jokes good.
A woman says to her lover, my husband at home early, quick, stand in the corner, so the lover does and she pours talc over him and tells him to stand still.
Husband says to his wife what’s that?
wife says it’s a statue, woman across the road has one too. Ok, says the husband.
Few hours later husband brings back a glass of milk and few biscuits and says to the wife’s lover, I stood across for a full night and nobody offeded me even a cup of water. That’s just rude don’t you agree?
on December 4, 2012
at 11:52 am
@tys,
Here is news of a very honest and very frank Mallu Uncle looking for a lady.
http://hem.com.np/2009/02/06/a-funny-proposal-letter-by-a-south-indian/
on January 1, 2013
at 10:53 pm
Not all mallus go crazy from my expirence for eg i live in europe and most mallus here r sensible.
on April 5, 2013
at 12:10 pm
good satire from a mallu naval gazing.
some additional impressions from a non-mallu on mallus.
mallus are poor in customer service.
mallus have strong bonds with each other when they are not in their own state.
most mallu men are very sexy!
many mallus eat beef, regardless of religion…..that proves they are open to the world’s influences and have spread all over the world, yet are very much attached to their beloved kerala.