A hot cup of tea on arrival, fresh home-cooked meals, fluffy towels and sparkling clean surroundings. If that was a hotel you’d booked, you’d be pretty happy with your deal. Well, for many Indian 20 and 30somethings, that’s exactly what they’re getting if they choose to stay at home with their parents.
If you think about it, it makes practical economic, social and environmental sense. With the current recession and overpriced housing market, the property ladder is hard to climb, and renting is expensive. Plus, living en masse is eco-friendly, and you’re also benefiting from a strong family support system that has long been part and parcel of Indian culture. In Mediterranean countries, men (and women) do this all the time. In fact, in some circles, the idea of renting a flat in the same city is considered unusual, if not quite strange.
But why then, do some of us with our own places find it distinctly off-putting when we meet a potential partner who lives with their parents? As a woman, I often wonder if these men may have unrealistic expectations of their partners after years of being pampered by their mother. Of course, many men would be contributing financially, often generously, so I’m not suggesting a simplistic advantage of just getting ‘free board’. But they are invariably getting their cooking, cleaning and ironing done – so where and when will they learn those skills if they don’t have them by their early 30s?
You could say we’ve gone backwards in this respect. Whereas it was once more common to leave home at 18, get married young and set up home in your early 20s, now it can be your late 30s before that happens. And if you’ve lived at home for the bulk of that period, it’s a steep learning curve. I’ve not lived at home since I was 18 and that early independence has shaped me as a person and I look for that streak in others.
Anyone rational understands that it is not always possible to live away from home, be it for financial or family reasons. And often, the reason will be simply, ‘Why not? I like living at home.’ Fair enough. But if the reason is simply because ‘it’s easier’, that’s when the alarm bells ring. Loud and clear.
Meera Dattani is a London-based freelance journalist with a chronic case of itchy feet. She has worked wirelessly and tirelessly from internet cafes and beaches across the globe, from Buenos Aires and Kampala to Melbourne and Ho Chi Minh City. Writing about travel, people, social and cultural trends is what gets her fingers tapping. She’s also a keen tennis player with a brutal backhand, a real foodie and a big fan of all things eco-friendly.
Peta Jinnath Andersen is a freelance and fiction writer. Born in Sydney, Australia, to a Fiji-Indian father and Scottish mother, she’s a bit confused about her background, but loves it all the same. Currently living in the US, she has just had her first child, and is busy studying hard in an effort to learn more about her Indian heritage – including taking Hindi lessons – so she can teach her son about just what it is that makes an NRI special.
on February 24, 2010
at 11:29 am
Totally…the alarm bells do start ringing. I feel that Indian men who stay with their mothers are definitely pampered. Plus add to that the expectation from the wife to do the same.
Privacy becomes another factor. Most people tend to live away from in-laws due to unnecessary tensions between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
I grew up in a joint family and I have seen my mother suffer many times. It all depends on what an individual wants in the end
on February 25, 2010
at 5:41 pm
I was very not so subtly told to either pay rent or move out when I got my job. Cant imagine living with my parents but at the same time I would love to be there for them when they get older and need help (if they let me, i doubt it though)…the same goes for my inlaws too…
on September 6, 2010
at 12:18 am
Tys and Lazy Pineapple. Sounds like you’re on my page when it comes to independence. Absolutely agree that it doesn’t mean you care any less. Keep reading on the-NRI.com. Meera